I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
