Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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