i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
