fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize