You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
