He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
