you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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