DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
