Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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