i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize