I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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