Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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