At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize