i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
