Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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