i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
