a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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