I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
