WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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