I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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