Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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