Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
