I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
What a dumb baby whore.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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