is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
