I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
