I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
