woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
