I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
