Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
