I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
