I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
