Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
