Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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