If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
