it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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