There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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