I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
