I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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