You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
