Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
