I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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