If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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