well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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