I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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