I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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