just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
