I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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