Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
