Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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