It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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