I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
His hands were made for my vagina.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
