Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
