True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
