I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
