i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
