why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
