So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
