It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
