dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
