I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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